fool

maybe because i'm quiet i'm your second (third, fourth, fifth...) choice
to take shopping or to the movies or to dinner
because i'm quiet you always invite me to parties and get-togethers--
you know i won't go

(thank god, what an embarrassment was the last time!)

perhaps it's that i'm "learned" and "erudite" and on your level
that you want to discuss philosophy and law with me
yet feel the need to belittle my decisions in order to
aggrandize your social life and academic credentials

generosity could be my hubris, and the field of your exploits
my naivete the soil in which the seeds of disappointment are sown
foolhardiness the calloused hand that tends the field, invariably passing through
at each love's season

maybe because i'm fat you think i'm lucky to have you
and that i think the same
because i'm sensitive to body comments and the like but let me tell you


I have reclaimed myself and I will no longer take lightly the decisions which have caused me to err so far into the hinterlands of my mindscape. I am taking my life--oh! glorious life--and making of it what I will; shall you join me?

That's not an invitation, actually. I know you think you can just flit in and out as you see fit because you are "at that point in [your] life" where you will "Do whatever [you] want to do" and "Be happy"

In fact, you can't do whatever you want to do, not with respect to me, no matter what point you've reached. You have no feelings? Sorry, but look not to me for counsel, for I deal in truth not in half-hearted flippant lies.

I'll be the fool, I said, I'll wait. What does it mean to wait? I'll be here, of course. I'll be here, so that's waiting. For you? No, only by accident. Not you--not anyone--is entitled to me. You may be quicker to learn that than you would like.

I'm nobody's little weasel.

carta abierta a mi (ex-)amante, 2

"你是我生活最重要的部分……我会为你牺牲所有的机会、所有的成功。无论我父母说啥，我还会和你自已在一起，永远不会放弃你。"

Ha llegado la hora en la cual decimos adiós. Debería haber sabido que nadie es así de enamorado--que la única realidad en que existe este tipo de amor es la realidad de la literatura (y los dos sabemos que leía demasiado de niño). Pero aquí estamos... y la verdad es que no sé lo que debería decirte, ni lo que debería escribir ahorita. Me siento vacío, como si me hubieras sacado el corazón; siento que ya no puedo respirar, como si también me tomaste los pulmones. Al menos la últimas vez que me enfrenté con esta situación el fin era obvio, predestinado. Ahora, sin embargo, hago frente con el fin de nuestra relación con ojos que hierven con lágrimas calientes y el pecho lleno de las cenizas cálidas de un amor perdido.

Supongo que lo que te quiero decir es... que siento remordimiento por el haberte conocido; que siento que desperdicié más de seis meses de mi vida; que mis palabras cortantes y vitriólicas surgen de los espacios perdidos de mi mente; quiero decirte que no te culpo y nunca te voy a culpar (fue mi decisión aceptarte como amante, ¿no?); que aun la noción de que vayas a estar con otro me hace furioso; que quisiera que te quedaras aquí conmigo hasta el verano...que nunca salieras de mi lado.

La hora de partir se nos acerca.

我八月份就回来。

Cinco meses. Cinco meses entre marzo y agosto y quieres que diga que no es nada. Dices que me amas, que quieres decirmelo millones de veces, pero...¿hace cuánto que no hablamos? Soy ingenuo. No, soy estúpido. Siempre he anhelado el amor verdadero, incondicional, y creía que lo había encontrado en ti. Pero me parece que no. Otra vez me enamoré--no de ti--de la imagen de ti, de la ilusión que creaba de ti. Por eso estoy decepcionado. Dije, ¡Nunca más! Nunca más voy a ponerme así de triste por otra persona que no sea familia. Y aquí estoy. Soy un maldito mentiroso y soy débil. Te amaba demasiado.

Tal vez necesito reevaluar mi vida y mis metas. Tal vez lo importante sea algo distinto de lo que buscaba por tanto tiempo. ¿No es lo que me enseñaban los padres?

¿Podrías perdonarme? ¿Por haber sido tan amoroso, tan sincero? Tengo veintidós años. No sé lo que quiero. No sé como descubrirlo. Te quería a ti. Más que a  mi vida. Habría sacrificado todo por una noche a tu lado, aunque no lo creas. Pero mis expectativas (como siempre con las expectativas) me engañaban--creía que harías lo mismo. I was wrong.

En fin, necesitas saber que no te culpo, sino que  me culpo a mí mismo. Me enamoré locamente de ti, y ahora estoy pagando el precio; pero como siempre te decía, hay que tomar responsibilidad para tus propias decisiones y sus resultados, ¿no? Puede que sea débil y mentiroso, pero no soy hipócrita. Lo que me ha pasado es a causa de mis decisiones. Cúlpame, por favor. Sé feliz. Supérame. Déjame atrás. Te doy permiso.

Estoys últimos seis meses... creía que nunca terminarían. Pero aquí estamos. 我爱你了……但是恐怕不能如此坚持下去。我心酸起来了。你放弃了我，放弃了我们的未来。但是没有什么不可思议的后果--你把我们的未来换成你自己的；你会开辟你自己美好的前景。虽然我不在，你该知道我反思时，肯定会很怀念我们在一起的时间。

”于千万人之中遇见你所遇见的人，于千万年中，时间的无涯的荒野里，没有早一步，也没有晚一步，刚巧赶上了，那也没有别的可说，惟有轻轻地问一声： “噢，你也在这里吗？”

我们至少可以说，没有浪费机遇。咱们俩没有彼此忽略，也没有认为我们的爱情是没有可能性的。你知道吗？我们最后一次见面了，我决定了我们肯定会结婚……我以为这次谈恋爱是一往情深的。我真的以为我会爱你到海枯石烂，但你有其他的计划。我不愿成为障碍。

你知道吗？我只希望你生活丰富，一路顺风。我只希望你可以怜爱地怀念我们在一起。也许有一天我们再次见面。当时，我希望可以互相分享一瞥，淡然一笑，默默地想起过去的经历……

我爱你太多了。道歉。

improvisator(y)

You will wait.

You will wait. 

Fans won't wait.

won't                                                           You're my only one.

I will wait.                                                     Fans

 Won't

 Wait.

                                              Tu

I will wait.               dis que

You will wait.

                   wait                                  "I'm you're only one"

   between                                                       |                                           us       |          now

c'est ça         ,                                                     will

                                                               ____           ____

                                                      .                                                       You will wait.                    Fans

            wait                            prends-moi

                                                                                                                                           in life

                                                                                              a  t h i n g

      It's just a thing in life.                                   I                                     pour une conne        won'twait

I will wait.                                                                                                                          You will wait.

                                                   _________               _________

   ATHINGINLIFENOTBETWEENUSATHINGINLIFENOTBETWEENUSATHINGINLIFENOT

                                                                        wait

                                                                          ?

Waiting for Bodot

A: Tell us about the new guy!

B: Oh, of course! Well, we met last year and I think I mentioned him to you guys already...anyway. We decided to take things really slowly since we both anticipated that life would get in the way. But from the start he seemed more invested in this relationship than I was; he's very spastic--a self-descriptor-- and while I present as extroverted, you know I'm a closeted introvert at heart. So, even though he makes me happy and treats me well and everything--for example, I could be telling him something really important about my day, or something that to me is just really significant, and he'll interject and start talking about something he finds similar in his own life, without letting me finish. Of course, I don't think he's at all bad-intentioned. It's just difficult at times.

A: Oh...

C: I really get that, just from personal experience I identify.

B: Well, I really wish you two could've met him. He's in for a few days and I think you'd have more perspective if you kind of saw our interactions and things. Plus, I really want to ask you two for some advice...because I just don't know how to handle everything right now. Like I said, he'll be here a few days, so I'm a little reluctant to bring it up now, but I don't think this is a phone conversation at all.

C: Do you want to go first?

A: What you have to understand is this: your feelings are valid. Your experiences, worries and thoughts, preoccupations, all of it is valid and true. Relationships are in a sense about compromise, but not so much so that you lose yourself, or your ideals or your goals.

B: Yeah, I don't want it to seem like I'm asking him to change. His spontaneity and "spunkiness" are part of his charm and are part of what made me attracted to him in the first place.

C: Right, but you're not asking him to change, I don't think. You're only asking him to recognize your story as valuable. Even in my own relationship, I find that I am at times trying to pull my guy down from flitting around up in the clouds. It's hard sometimes, but also it helps to balance out my dry, at-times-boring personality. But even more, I find myself acting like your guy sometimes. I mean, I say things and don't think first, or perhaps I say them don't even realize they are offensive or hurtful until it's too late. Then whoever is on the other side of my interaction gets hurt and, more often than not, doesn't say anything until they explode. It's like, "I would've appreciated an early notice," you know.

A: Wait, I have an Emerson for this! "Henceforward I am the truth's. Be it known unto you that henceforward I obey no law less than the eternal law. I will have no covenants but proximities. I shall endeavour to nourish my parents, to support my family, to be the chaste husband of one wife, — but these relations I must fill after a new and unprecedented way. I appeal from your customs. I must be myself. "

C: And that should've come second to my Frank: "In bed at night, as I ponder my many sins and exaggerated shortcomings, I get so confused at the sheer amount of things I have to consider that I either laugh or cry, depending on my mood. Then I fall asleep with the strange feeling of wanting to be different than I am, or being different than I want to be, or perhaps of behaving differently than I am or want to be."



The dinner ends and we each go our separate ways. Me, I go home, naively planning on having my own worth validated by the recognition of an Other. It wasn't. Instead, an Other's was being validated by precisely 5971 Others. So I sleep.

My eyes open at 4am, to the usual missed calls and messages--sent two hours later and not in direct response to mine. I find myself revisiting Emerson's "Self-Reliance" and pondering the suggestion of its juxtaposition with the Anne Frank quote. It just seems right.

At 5:53am, after a hot shower of equal parts city water and wasted tears, I'm out the door to get the first ticket at Bodo's. On my way, I run into Donnie and Jack, two homeless men whom I often see on the streets, but usually attempt to avoid.

Donnie introduces himself to me. He says I've probably heard about him since people around here talk a lot of shit. I told him I hadn't. Jack followed suit, but he asked for a cup of coffee. I told him I would meet them at Bodo's at 7, when it opened, we could have breakfast together.

I stand outside in the dead cold and darkness, still reflecting on Emerson and Frank, but also Whitman and Dickinson. The mellifluous second concerto of Rachmaninoff eases the bitter cold through my B&O headphones.

Still no one in line after 38 minutes. Rach 3 begins to play, with Argerich at the keyboard and Maestro Chailly wielding the baton. At 6:53, I hadn't seen a single Other, so I check the hours. 8 o'clock. I could only laugh at myself for having fallen victim to my own lack of planning. I decide to take the long way home, hoping to run into Donnie and Jack, so I could get them a coffee at a convenience store and chat, but they weren't there. No one was there on my way home.

My thoughts shifted from those great artists to myself. I think. I am. I don't need parse it in Latin in order for it to be true. I realized that I had myself said what I had needed to hear last night. I had thought it all along, but actually articulating it made me realize the hypocrisy of it all. What kind of person am I to dole out advice on command, but never, even under the direst circumstances, take it? I realized that I didn't need to be confronted with an Other. I needed to confront myself in my totality of broken emotions and withered hopes. I cannot continue to be afraid of myself. I cannot keep shortchanging myself because I only recognize Others' feelings as valid. I must cultivate my own Self-Reliance.

Carta abierta a mi nuevo amante

Aquí estoy de nuevo, escribiendo una carta abierta a mi amante. Es con tristeza y decepción que me pongo a escribir esta noche...tal vez es porque recuerdo la última vez que escribí una publicación como esta con ternura. No, no puede ser a causa de mis recuerdos tan 'felices' de mi última relación. Es porque me siento solo. Abandonado por ti.

I want to be with you  me dices mientras mil personas te miran bebiendo agua o comiendo mango. Me lo intentas esconder.

Sonrío triste y aisladamente. No me ves, claro.

Can we video tomorrow morning? me preguntas cuando te digo que me siento triste y aislado.

No contesto. En lugar de respuesta, te digo Goodnight. 

Me voy, y lloro, hundiéndome la cara en una almohada que huele a ti. Al menos el aire de mi cuarto lleva el perfume de tu piel, y puedo imaginar que estás a mi lado en vez de entreteniendo a un grupo de espectadores virtuales.

Para clarificar: no tengo celos. No me importa con quien hablas. Me entristece que digas que me amas, que me extrañas, y que no hagas nada para mostrármelo. 

What have I gotten myself into? te pregunté.

Into love. me respondiste.

No pude replicarte. Porque es verdad. Me he enamorado otra vez, aunque me juré que nunca iba a comprometer mi integridad de nuevo. Una vez era bastante, creía. Pero me dijiste que eras diferente. Confié en ti.

I'm not that kind of person. me escribiste.

Sin embargo, tus acciones--tu comportamiento--me dice lo contrario. Eres así como los demás. Te inspiran la fama y la riqueza y la belleza inalcanzable de una vida prefiguradamete romántica.

Don't leave me. 

Sure te respondo.

Si tan solo supieras lo que me cuesta seguir así, fingiendo estar indiferente; si tan solo supieras que a veces quiero bloquearte y eliminarte sin decirte nada e irme hacia adelante, no me serías así; si tan solo supieras que no te tengo ninguna obligación.... si tan solo entendieras...

No quiero sugerir que perderías algo irreemplazable si me perdieras, sino que perderías a alguien único. Nunca me encontrarás a mí si me dejas atrás. Pero tal vez quieras eso.

¿Para qué me pides perdón? Sólo quiero que me dediques un poco de tu tiempo, que me des un poco de tu cariño, y que te haga falta.

I want you. 

Mentira. Quieres la idea de mí.